Before they kill me

'We're really sorry!'

I was in traffic along Iyana Ipaja and I saw a pawpaw hawker offload his pawpaw, walked over to one side of the road, pulled down his zipper, brought out this wiwi and began scattering urine on the concrete.
He didn’t even care that it was daylight and people were passing. I was seated by the window and I could see his thing in full view. What infuriated me was the manner he held it as though he was potty training.

The urine had rolled towards his fingers and was dripping from his thumb. When he had relieved himself, he shook it a few times as tiny droplets splattered on his trousers before he picked up his tray of freshly peeled pawpaw from the road.
My microscopic eyes were still on him when our vehicle started to move as soon as the traffic gave way. Another vehicle maneuvered to where we once parked and an unsuspecting lady in the front seat called the hawker for pawpaw. I slowly turned away.

If you follow my Twitter or my Facebook page, you must have read the post I made on the dirty iya basira I met.
For those who didn’t read it, I went to buy food one early morning and beside where the food was, a woman was brushing her teeth vigorously and making those ‘crogggggg crogggg’ noise. That froggy noise of trying to gag mucus from the pit of the belly. I was so disgusted!
I took my food flask and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. The dirty woman was holding her brush in one hand with toothpaste foam that had formed moustache and beards, shouting.
“Sister! Come back na”
Because what she was doing was perfectly normal. After all, I was the hungry one that wanted N250 rice, not her.

I don’t even want to go into details of market women that will be selling ewedu in a stainless pot and beneath the table, their kids/toddlers are shitting ewedu on the floor. And they think its cute!!!
Because both colours match.

There is also an aboki next door that makes bread and egg every morning.
6:45am, you would see him putting one hand on the waist and using the other hand to scratch his penis like recharge card.
6:50am, he is beating an egg for an unsuspecting customer. You’ll ask for only salt and pepper in your fried egg but end up getting fried eggs with spices like a drop of sperm, dried urine and one or two strands pubic hair.
I wasn’t surprised when I heard someone purge for two days after having his bread and egg.
It’s now a crime to eat bread and egg outside. Common agege bread.

My brother has sworn never to buy sachet fanice yoghurt/ice-cream ever since he saw an aboki using the scissors to shave his beards under a mango tree.
Probably the same scissors he uses to trim armpit hair.
And he thinks it’s okay.
Unlike my brother, I don’t have the willpower to stop patronising them. Cos N100 fanice is my on-the-go-icecream, until coldstone Ice-Cream or sweet kiwi yoghurt is slashed to N200 per cup.
I am patiently waiting.

These are my most recent encounters with food vendors and road side hawkers. Eighty percent of the time, I eat out. (for personal & complicated reasons)
It’s not Eko Hotel Buffet, KFC, Chicken Republic or Sweet Sensation cos I don’t wash Eko Hotel toilet after eating. I cut my coat according to my size and go for the Iya Basira at your backyard and it’s frightening I would never know what goes on among these food vendors behind closed doors.

“Stir the jollof rice oh, add five teaspoon of thyme, add pepper, add one basin of well water, add the meat from yesterday’s gbegeri, add three cubes of white maggi, one cube of knor, oya add two spoons of lassa fever…”

Pause.

I spent a lot of money on medication from food poisoning in December. Twice.
Anyway, I can’t wait to make money so I can ‘manage’ KFC for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

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