Since my trip to Zanzibar last year, I have gotten 8 messages from people who have have never traveled by air to explain how they should go about it. The chats I have with these people always cracks me up and I am glad they find it comfortable to talk to me.
The last message was on Sunday and I figured I post a complete breakdown so I could send subsequent people a link to this. You are welcome.
Side Note: I am using domestic flights as context here.
I’m writing this with the assumption that you’ve booked your ticket at least one week ahead and you know your way to the airport. Once you arrive stand at a distance and observe the different queues. Locate the one with your airline tag and join the queue. Alternatively ask different passengers at the ticketing area their destination and once you find someone headed to the same destination as you, copy every single thing they do.
In the event you don’t meet someone you should go to the ticketing area and present your ID. The ticketing officer will trace your flight booking and present you with a boarding pass.
You will be asked if you have luggage you’d like to check in which will be tagged and taken away.Don’t worry they are not stealing it.When you are done ask the ticketing person where the boarding area is.
Ask with a foreign accent as though you an IJGB who is not familiar with Nigerian airports so they won’t figure out you are about to lose your flight virginity.
Then walk to where they will direct you and present your boarding pass. From there you will be directed to the security area where you will be searched.
You will be asked to place your hand bag and jewelries in a security scanner. You will also be asked to take off your shoes so madam and sir JJC, avoid high heels and complicated shoes.
Pick up your bag and wear your shoes once this procedure is over. Then follow other passengers. Don’t worry, all of them are headed to the boarding area.
In the boarding area there are sections that look reserved in the corners. They are for the business class people so respect yourself and seat with others in the general area or you may be bounced and disgraced. Once you are seated make your ears your most important sense organ.Take note of the flight number on your boarding pass. You will hear a voice on the intercom announcing flights.
LISTEN CAREFULLY, or only your checked in luggage would end up where you are headed and you will return to the God Is Good life if you miss your flight. The intercom will announce your flight is going to be delayed for 50 minutes. Other passengers would start to curse the airline loudly. Make sure you join in the cursing too or everyone is going to figure you are a JJC.
Yell about how the airline keeps messing your flights schedules on your previous trips. The good part about curses during flight delay announcements is you are going to find out those on your flight which means you can freely copy everything they do if you have troubles figuring out your flight from the intercom voice.
Congratulations your flight has finally been called after a two hour delay.
Catwalk to the plane. Its not easy jare.
At the tarmac will see an ‘aeroplane’ as big as the one your primary school teacher told you. You may be tempted to start taking selfies with the plane in the background but behave because you didn’t come this far to disgrace yourself.
Once you enter the plane the air hostess will show you your seat no. I know you are excited but don’t smile too much or they are going to figure out you are a JJC. Remember you were the frequent flier cursing the airline a few minutes ago.
Stylishly take selfies with the airline tag on your seat visible as receipts for your enemies who won’t believe you have entered plane. Then buckle your seatbelt, cover yourself with the blood of Jesus and face front.The air hostess will demonstrate certain things you won’t understand. The pilot will announce take off and the plane will start moving slowly.
Don’t be tempted to call anyone to say, “The pilot has started driving.”
Your phone should be switched off as standard flight procedure.
Then the plane will suddenly start going fast and you will feel one adsftkjykpz feeling in your belly.Congratulations! You are now flying.
If you have a window seat you will see roof tops, roads, rivers and trees. And then the clouds are going to take over and you people are going to fly across heaven. Shortly after the air hostess will roll a cart of snacks along your way. If she asks what you’d like. Its not free. If she simply hands over snacks to you, its free. In airlines like Air Peace you will be given juice, buns and a sweet.
Lick your sweet. Sweets are sweeter when you are inside a plane.
Don’t be tempted to trash your snacks wrap on the floor of the plane or the ajebotas around would think you are so low behind. Remember you are not in God is Good Motors. Halfway you will feel the plane doing shuku shaker all of a sudden. Don’t panic. You are not dying. It is called turbulence. Most people on the flight are used to it that’s why they never flinch during turbulence. Act cool too. Remember you are a frequent flier and you had earlier covered yourself with the blood of Jesus. Turbulence will be over and the plane will continue flying.
The pilot will announce your seatbelt be fastened when the plane is about to land but you are going to smile because you never took off yours in the first place.
The plane will hit the runway, move in speed and come to a final halt. The air hostess will announce you can now disembark and you will be amazed at how a 12 hour road trip takes an hour when you can afford flight tickets. Pat yourself in the back. You are now among the 0.000031% of Nigerians who have travelled by air.